Scripture 7: Don't Forget to Tip Your Landlord
Somewhere in the Book of Suburban Dreams, right between “Thou shalt own granite countertops” and “Thou shalt pretend to care about school districts,” there’s a lesser-known commandment: “Thou shalt refinance thy primary residence to buy another house, preferably one you can force other humans to live in for money.”
6/12/2025
There comes a time in every adult’s life when they stare at their beige walls, sip overpriced coffee in a house they barely own, and think: What if I borrowed against this mortgage prison to build a second, slightly fancier prison for someone else?”
Yes, my fellow financial heretics, I have arrived at that unholy crossroads where I must decide: Should I turn my safe, predictable 20-year fixed-rate mortgage into a glorified ATM and go house shopping for someone else?
This is a rite of passage: the cash-out refinance to buy an investment property... the financial ritual that screams, “I want passive income, but also passive anxiety.”
The self-proclaimed clerics of wealth (read: real estate agents and mortgage brokers on Instagram) will tell you this is the way. They speak in parables about “good debt” and “equity traps.” They show you graphs that always go up and use phrases like “let your money work for you,” as if your rand bills were all unionized and owed you a lunch break.
They will whisper:
“Your home has R1 000 000 in equity just sitting there doing nothing.”
Real estate always goes up (except when it doesn’t).
Rental income is “passive” (except for the tenants, plumbing, and broken garbage disposals).
Equity is useless unless you “put it to work” (because obviously, your house should be your employee).
But let us not forget what else equity is doing while it sits there:
Not ruining your credit score. Not tying you to a second property in a city where raccoons vote and tenants don’t. Not resetting your 7% mortgage to 9.75% so you can live in a fever dream of amortization charts and YouTube plumbing tutorials.
I considered it. I really did. The fantasy is seductive...
I, a humble mortal, become a landlord. A property mogul. A collector of rents. A dealer in keys and leases and passive aggression.
Imagine it. Owning a cute little duplex with original hardwood and an eternal leak in the basement. Telling people, “Yeah, I invest in real estate,” while ignoring the fact that I have R314.27 in my savings account and a growing obsession with caulking guns.
But then I read from the darker verses of the Landlord Scriptures:
“Thou shalt pay for two roofs but own only one ladder.”
“Thy tenants shall find mold before thou findeth a profit.”
“He who refinances shall also be refinanced... emotionally, spiritually, and on Property24 every night at 2 a.m.”
The math, as always, is not just math. It is prophecy.
Yes, you might pull R1 000 000 from your home, but you’ll pay R400 000 in interest to do it. Yes, your rental might cash flow R3 000 a month, unless your new tenant is a 24-year-old cryptocurrency DJ who believes rent is theft and whose emotional support ferret has opinions about drywall.
So should I do it?
Maybe. Maybe not. But I do know this: if I refinance, I’ll be a landlord. A walking spreadsheet with keys and complaints. A person who has uttered the phrase “security deposit” in rage. Yet still, the temptation lingers. Another property. Another income. Another reason for anti-anxiety medication...
This is just the beginning.
Stay tuned for future scriptures, including:
Scripture 10: Lo, the Body Corporate Will Smite Thee; and
Scripture 14: And the Tenant Said Unto Me, 'The Toilet Has Spoken'
Until then, meditate on this final verse:
“Blessed are the landlords, for they shall inherit plumbing problems.”